Harry Potter and the Adventures of Butterbeer Extr
by Ciircee
Summary: The title says it all, dulcets. Humor. Themes for underage drinking. Oh, ya think?


Harry Potter and the Adventures of Butterbeer Extra

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, the Weasley's, Hermione and Penny Clearwater; Quidditch and it's team positions, butterbeer and de-gnoming all belong to J.K Rowling. The Queen Mum belongs to herself, Pierre Trudeau (God rest him) also belonged to himself and now to History. Butterbeer Extra belongs to the most esteemed Vapid, get her permission to use it. Go read her "Broken Bottles, Broken Hearts", as it's fabulous. Note: While I might have intended copyright infringement, I didn't intend to (nor have I) make money off of this fic. It was done purely for fun.

Dedicated: To Chelle, for laughing and Vapid for the inspiration.

Warning: Themes for underage drinking and drunkenness. Duh.

Harry Potter and the Adventures of Butterbeer Extra

It must be, Harry reflected, a woman thing. He was watching Penelope Clearwater-Weasley fussing over Percy. It was almost exactly the same manner as Molly Weasley's, who was fussing over her other sons.

"Now, you've the Muggle-number of the theater in London?" Mrs. Weasley asked for the fifth time, straightening Fred's collar. 

"Yes, mum." George held up the slip of parchment with the phone number. "And the fireplace number too."

"You've written down the Granger's number, dearest?" Penny was rummaging in her handbag. "I've written it down for you, if you haven't. The fireplace will be working, of course…"

"It's all under control, love." Percy assured her as he nudged her toward the fireplace. "You're supposed to go and _relax_, Penny. So relax."

"Molly, we've got to get going; the theater tickets are for seven." Arthur chimed in. Harry noted that he too was maneuvering his wife towards the fire.

"You'll let us know if you need help with anything…if something should go wrong or something…" Even Ginny was starting. Definitely a woman thing; Harry decided.

"We will, Gin. Go. Have fun with Hermione." Charlie all but shoved his sister into the emerald green flames.

"God, women are a fretful lot, aren't they." Fred muttered as his mother, sister and sister-in-law disappeared. George rolled his eyes in agreement.

"It's why I'm not married." Bill, in the living room, called out. "I couldn't abide being hen-pecked like that." 

Charlie, in the doorway chimed in. "They always want you to get in touch with your feminine side or something."

"Been in touch with your feminine side, Percy?" Fred asked mock curiously.

Percy nodded seriously. "I have. Her name's Penny and I call her 'my wife'. Why do you ask?"

"Boys?" Mr. Weasley stepped out of the fireplace. "I haven't a lot of time, I told Molly that I forgot our Muggle money here…"

"Which you have." Ron told him, pointing at the table.

  
"Oh, so I did. Thank you, Ron." Mr. Weasley picked up the wallet and stuffed into his coat pocket. "The reason I came back is that I wanted to tell you boys to have fun tonight. Relax. We haven't had a night off in such a long time, and lord only knows when we'll have on again, what with You-Know-Who still out there, gathering forces and all these attacks lately, and of course we only have Professor Snape's assurance that You-Know-Who isn't plotting anything for the next few days; there's always the chance that his news is just a red-herring to throw us all of course and expose him…"

"Dad? Dad? Dad!" Ron cut in. "Dad, that's really not going to help us to relax." He shook his head. "It's just not."

  
"My point," Mr. Weasley continued hastily, "Is that I want you boys to have a good time. Let loose. Live a little." He tossed a pinch of Floo-powder into the fire. "And please, don't mention 'getting in touch with the feminine side'. It brings to mind the last time your mother made me do it and I ended up tatting lace doily's for your Aunt Roxy." He stepped into the fire and was gone.

"That was just a bit too much information." Fred told the fire, before turning to his brothers and clapping his hands briskly. "Alright, what's the plan?"

"Your mum told us to de-gnome the garden." Harry told him. The Weasley boys stared at him.

"Harry, Dad told us to have fun. Is de-gnoming the garden fun?" Charlie asked him. Harry had to agree that it wasn't.

"Besides," Bill broke in, setting a muddy rosebush on the table "We've got better to do."

Ron blinked. "We're going to plant Mum roses?" 

Bill snorted. "Not hardly." He pointed his wand at the bush. "We, lads, are going to get pissed." The bush transformed into a case of green bottles.

"Butterbeer Extra!" Charlie explained, pulling out a bottle. "Welsh Galleon label. We had it shipped in this morning." He handed Bill a bottle. "We had to hide it as a bush so Mum wouldn't catch on."

"Cheers," Percy muttered accepting a bottle. "So, Weasley family tradition number three: The Crisis. Good plan." He took a long pull from his bottle. "Better Butterbeer."

"The Crisis?" Harry asked.

"Most recently known as 'Oh god, a girl. What do I know about girls; I've got six sons!'" Charlie explained, doing a passable imitation of their father. 

"I remember that!" George exclaimed, grabbing a bottle for himself. "Dad and Uncle Bilius got completely drunk and passed out in our room."

"We got loads of candy to keep us quiet!" Fred finished, stealing George's butterbeer for himself.

"I've got some stuff in my room." Ron said thoughtfully. "It might be a bit old as I got it on the train back from Hogwarts. I'll go get it." He headed for the attic. Harry blinked and turned to Bill.

"You know, I'm not really a Weasley, right?" He asked. It seemed that they often forgot, despite his lack of red-hair, that he wasn't really one of them.

"Sure you are, Harry." Charlie frowned. "Mum sends you a sweater every Christmas, right?" Harry nodded. "And toffee at Easter?" Harry nodded again.

"Still, it's a family tradition and I'm not really…family." It was a thing that often weighed on his mind.

"Oh for the love of…not this again?" Ron's voice, disgusted, came from behind Harry. He turned, wincing. "And after tradition number six!" Ron shook his head. "There's no hope for it." He sighed.

Percy aimed a piercing stare at Harry. "You argued tradition number six: The Nightmare?" He looked to Ron, not Harry for confirmation. "There is no hope for it."

Charlie looked at Bill. "Well, you're the oldest." He sighed.

"Right you are, Vice President Charles." Bill nodded solemnly and placed both hands on Harry's shoulders. "Wait, George, hold my butterbeer, will you?" George took it and stepped back into his place in the semi-circle that had formed around Harry. Harry had a bad feeling about this.

"I, William A. Weasley, acting in the place of my father Arthur T. Weasley and in the presence of my brothers, do hereby deputize you, Harold J. Potter, into to the ranks of the Weasley Men. And I furthermore, due to your age and relationship with one Ronald D. Weasley, do confer upon you the title of 'Ron's George'. At this time it should be noted that this rank is yours until you become an official member of the Weasley Men through marriage to our esteemed, and absent, sister one Virginia B. Weasley. I do, at this juncture, bestow upon you all the rights, privileges and responsibilities inherent in that office to which you have this night been deputized. " Bill dropped his hands and took his drink back. Harry found himself blinking rapidly. 

"Somebody get that man a Butterbeer Extra." Charlie declared. Ron grinned widely and complied.

"He can't be George." Fred protested. "George is George. It'll get too confusing."

"It's just his rank, not his name." Percy said, handing Fred a bottle, which he passed to George. "Live with it."

"Thank you, Vice President Percival." Bill saluted his brother, who bowed.

"I thought Charlie was the vice president." Harry said the first thing that came to mind and absently noted that the Butterbeer Extra was really quite extraordinary. "And who says I'm marrying Ginny?"

"Don't correct Vice President William." George advised sagely. "If he says you're marrying Ginny, you are. Besides, Percy's name isn't even 'Percival'."

+ + +

In Hermione's bedroom, having already had facials and done their hair, Ginny, Hermione and Penelope were painting each other's fingernails. Ginny's were bright blue with moons that really waxed and waned.
    "Do you think Harry will notice?" She wondered, sighing.
    "He's a man, so probably not." Penny said. "But he's Harry, so he might."
Hermione shook her head. "They _should_ notice. Especially since we've worked so hard."
"Men." They all three declared, shaking their heads in saddened unison.
Ginny giggled. "This is so much fun, I wish we could do it more often."
Penny grinned. "Weasley family tradition number nineteen: When you're feeling low, wax your legs."
"Oh, well, I should leave then." Hermione laughed. "It's a _family_ thing."
Ginny capped the polish with a thoughtful look. "It is a family tradition." She slanted a look at her sister-in-law. "We should induct Hermione." Penny pushed a lock of dark hair out of her eyes and considered. Hermione eyed them both. 
"Induct me?"
"We should." Penny decided. "Hermione, stand up." When she'd stood Penny took one hand in hers and Ginny held the other. They linked hands with each other, forming a small triangle. "Hermione, do you have a middle name?"
"Louise. Why?"
"Shh, you'll see." Ginny said, smiling happily.
"I, Penelope Clearwater Weasley, acting in the place of my mother-in-law Margaret Brown Weasley, and due to your friendship with Virginia Beatrice Weasley, do offer you Hermione Louise Granger, the chance to take your honorary place in the circle and sorority of Weasley Women until such a time that you become an official member by marring one Ronald Weasley. What say you?"
Hermione tilted her head and pretended to consider the offer.
"Hermione? You don't have to marry Ron, you know…you can just be an honorary member forever." Ginny said hesitantly.
Hermione dropped Penny's hand and hugged Ginny hard. "Of course I accept!" She said. "I was just making you wonder a bit! I'm honored, I'm thrilled." She hugged Penny. "I'm speechless…"
"And she does want to marry Ron." Penny added with a wink. Hermione blushed scarlet.
"Speaking of Ron and the other boys…" She changed the subject rapidly. "It's been an almost two hours. What do you think they're up to at the Burrow?" 
"They're men." Ginny said, as if explained everything. "What do you suppose they're doing?"
"Quidditch." They chorused.

+ + +

"She'd be the best Keeper in the world." Fred argued fiercely, swaying only slightly in his chair. "She's sees all, knows all, informed of everything. No question; she's the one for our team."
"I don't think the Queen Mum is a witch." Charlie said, brow furrowed. "I think that disqualifies her. And she can't fly, can she, if she's a Muggle."
"Are you going to tell the Queen she can't play?" Fred asked gesturing expansively.
"No question!" George shouted, standing unsteadily. "The Queen Mum for England!" Nobody paid him any mind. Harry thought this was rather because George seemed to be on a time delay. It had only been a ten-second delay when the clock had read 'tipsy' but now that the clock was reading 'three-sheets to the wind' and it had lengthened to over twenty. Fred, on the other hand, seemed mostly sober. Or at least, Harry thought, the Fred on the left seemed sober. The one on the right was a bit iffy.
"Alright, we'll give you the Queen." Percy conceded. "Wait until you hear our pick for Seeker, though. You'll regret it, I swear."
"The Queen…" Bill sighed gustily. "Now there's a woman. So sweet and kind and old; she'd make a good wife." Bill's lower lip trembled slightly. "A man needs a good wife."
"She was a good wife, you daft bastard." Ron said cheerfully, taking a slug from Bill's Butterbeer Extra. "Now, let's hear your choice for Seeker."
Charlie frowned at Bill before turning back to the other. "He's willing to take risks, a daring man, doesn't care what people think of him, smart, crafty…wait for it…wait…Pierre Trudeau!" 
"He's dead." Fred stated after a sizable pause. "You can't have a dead guy."
"We didn't make any rules about dead people." Harry offered. "Besides, putting a corpse on a broom is a sure way to freak out the other team. I'll allow it."
"The Queen was married. He's dead now. You can still have her, Bill." George said suddenly. Fred slapped him lightly on the back of the head.
"We've moved on to the next dead guy, catch us up will you?" 
"Thanks, George." Bill nodded, drinking. "I might just do that. A man's got to think of settling down." He nodded drunkenly. "A good woman…every man needs a good woman." His lip quivered.
Charlie rolled his eyes at Harry meaningfully.
"Right then, let's continue with Ultimate Quidditch." Harry announced. "Whose turn is it?"
"Ours." Ron announced around a mouthful of pumpkin pasty. "Bloody morons putting dead guys on brooms. We want Draco Malfoy for Beater."
"Malfoy?!" Harry felt sick. Though it could have been all the beer. "Why?"
"He'd suck at it and get hit a lot." Ron explained. "We want him to get hit. A lot."
"Oh." Harry thought about it. "A lot?" Ron nodded. "Good plan." Harry told him, clinking bottles with Ron.
"Better Butterbeer!" Charlie chimed in from his side of the table.
"A good woman." Bill wept. "I don't have a woman. Every man needs a good woman."
Fred poked George in the eye. George didn't so much as twitch. "Hey, lads, I think George is dead."
"Oh for Pete's sake! Bill, you've dumped your last six girlfriends." Percy snapped as Bill began to cry over George not having a good woman. "Charlie, hold his head up, will you?"
Charlie lifted Bill's head off the table by the hair. Bill continued to sob. "What are we doing to Bill? Are we going to kill him? We could kill him."
"We can't kill Bill. Dad would kill us." Ron said. Then laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and landed under the table. Harry peeked down to make sure that he hadn't followed George to the great beyond.
"We're going to cheer him up the hard way." Percy told them when Harry reemerged. He took careful aim at Bill with his wand. "It's time for a Cheering Charm, gents. Stand back." Under the table, Ron giggled. Harry scooted his chair back to Siberia. Or at least five, six inches, he figured he was safe. Charlie loosened his grip on Bill and stepped back.
Unfortunately, Percy, while the least giddy of all of them, had the aim of the very, very inebriated. The charm went wide, hit the windowpane and the glass bounced the charm directly onto Fred. Who grinned widely and then fell unconscious into the bowl of peanuts. George sat upright with a swiftness that caused Charlie to yelp and jump back, dropping Bill's head into the Cauldron Cakes.
"What's happened to Fred?" George asked. Then he rubbed his eye. "Why does my eye hurt?"
"Hey!" Ron exclaimed brightly. "George is back!"
"Hurray!" Harry shouted, raising his bottle. "He's back!"
Percy aimed his wand at Bill's butterbeer. "This calls for a toast. Charlie, pour Bill's down his throat, will you?"
Charlie poured. "A toast to George, returned to us at last!" He called out as he proceeded to nearly drown his older brother. "Three cheers!"
George frowned. "In the loo, was I?"

+ + +

    Molly frowned suddenly mid-way through the second act. "Arthur, do you think the boys are alright?"
"I'm sure they're fine." Arthur reassured her. "They've got all the information they need if they get into trouble." Molly's eyebrows drew together. "I mean, if there's trouble!" He corrected swiftly. "Our boys, they wouldn't be getting into trouble!" Or they wouldn't, thought Arthur, if that new rosebush really was a bush.
"I keep getting the feeling that there's something I missed…" Molly murmured. Arthur cursed her Divination scores.
"They're fine. Everything is fine." Don't, he cautioned himself, let her see you sweat.
"Still…" Molly's frowned deepened. "I wonder how the girls are…"
"Oh, look, it's time for intermission!" Arthur stood suddenly. "I think I'll use the loo!"

+ + +

"The hem is all wrong, isn't it?" Hermione tutted, twirling an empty bottle.
"Do you think?" Ginny asked, studying her image in the mirror. She too carried a bottle of Butterbeer Extra, stolen from a rosebush that Penny had declared 'suspicious'.
"It needs to be higher." Penny told her, seriously. "However much he respects your mind, he wants to see a little leg now and again." She reconsidered. "If he's a leg man, that is. I don't know. Hermione? Do you think Harry's a leg man or a breast man?"
Hermione giggled and fell off her bed. 
Ginny blinked. "Maybe he's both."
"Can't go wrong with both." Penny admitted. "Let's see about lowering that neckline. Damn Hogwarts robes…no sense of sex appeal at all…" She muttered furiously.

+ + +

    "Harry, what do you think the girls are up to?" Ron asked, flicking a Cockroach Cluster at the still-unconscious Fred.
"I don't know." Harry pondered. "Girl things, I bet."
"Yeah!" Ron agreed. "Probably facials and hair and stuff!"
"Sex." George disagreed. "I heard Mum and Pen and Ginny talking about it. Pen was saying she wants to have a baby but she didn't know if a baby would get in the way of having sex."
"Penny wants children?" Percy wobbled, but remained mostly upright. Harry was certain it was a reaction to shock and not the beer. Maybe not the beer. Well, it could have been the beer.
"Hurray!" Bill whooped. "Mum talks to our wives about us and sex!" It had been a very good charm and enhanced, no doubt, by the natural properties of Butterbeer Extra. "I have to pee."
"You can't." Harry commiserated. "Charlie went to the loo forever ago."
George put a hand over his heart. "We think he drowned." 
"Oh." Bill looked down at his empty bottle. "I have to pee."
"You can't pee in the bottle. It's disgusting." Ron told him. "And unsanitary."
"Yeah." Percy agreed. "You'll have to whiz in the sink."
"Move the dishes." George advised.
Harry watched Bill head for the sink. "Wait! You can pee out in the backyard!"
"That's a brilliant idea, Harry." Charlie said, sitting in Bill's chair. "Why didn't I think of it. The bathroom's all the way in _China_." Bill ran for China.

+ + +

    "I want to thank you for a lovely night on the town." Molly was bidding her good-byes to the Grangers. "But we'll just head for Diagon Alley and Apperate home from there."
    "Molly, dear, it's early yet." Arthur stalled for time. They'd said they'd be home at eleven… "Why don't we all have a drink at the _Leaky Cauldron_, hmm?"
    "Arthur, I'm a bit worried about the boys. And the girls…"
    "All adults, practically. Level heads, I'm sure they're fine." He smiled charmingly, if not a bit frantically, at the Grangers. "What about that drink, eh? And I do want to thank you for letting Ginny stay the night over…and Penny, too, as she might not want to Apperate home and Percy'll be staying over in his old room…" Arthur lead them all towards the _Cauldron_ and hoped he was buying all the kids enough time. 

+ + +

    Harry hung upside down off the table and looked at the clock. It read 'time to hurry up'. He blinked at it. "Hey, I think the clock is broken." He said to nobody in particular. "It just went from 'skunk drunk' to something else.
    Bill, who was prodding Fred with his wand in an attempt to rouse him, looked at it. And paled. "Uh oh."
"Time to hurry up." Percy said, climbing out of the potato bin. "You know what that means…"
"You're it! I've found you and you're it!" Ron shouted, jumping into the kitchen. "And I found George too. He's in a gnome hole. He was calling for help, but I think he was talking to the gnome."
"It means Mum and Dad are on their way home, idiot." Charlie corrected, still hiding in the sink. "Should we get George out of the gnome hole, or do you think he's happy where he's at?"
"Out." Harry mused. "He's supposed to be sleeping over with us, not the gnomes."
"Mates!" Bill shouted. "Mum and Dad are coming! LOOK AT THE HOUSE!"
They looked. Most of it was fine, but the kitchen and family room were littered with empty bottles and wrappers, food dishes and a pile of fake wands. Filibuster Fireworks stars covered most of the room. One unlucky tomato was splattered on the window due to Fred's attempt to qualify for the other Beater position the England team had open. 
"We're in trouble." Harry croaked.
"We're not. Not if we work quickly." Percy disagreed. 
"Right." Charlie got out of the sink. "Harry, you and Ron get George out of the gnome hole and clean up the food wrappers and dishes."
"I'll get Fred up." Bill added. "Charlie, you and Percy start transfiguring those bottles into vases."
"Fred can pick flowers for them when he comes 'round. A whole 'Surprise, Mum' thing." Percy nodded. "Good idea."
Fred suddenly bolted upright. "Been in the loo, have I?" He asked. Outside in the garden, George went limp.
"Or George can, if he's lagging again." Ron said, studying Fred. "We want the awake one cleaning."
"Ready?" Bill asked. "Then let's go!"

+ + +

"Water." Hermione said suddenly. "We need water."
"Have another Butterbeer Extra, if you're thirsty, Hermione." Penny said, flipping through TV channels. "There's a bottle left, I think."
"No. We need water. My parents will be back soon. We can't wake up hung-over in the morning."
Ginny blinked sleepily from her cot. "If I have anymore to drink I'll not get a wink of sleep."
"Then you won't wake up with a hangover, will you." Hermione told her. "Mum's got some bottled in the fridge. We'll have to hurry."
"Think we should clean up your room?" Penny asked, gesturing to the clothes strewn about. "It's a bit untidy."
"No." Hermione declared, weaving toward the door. "Mum'll expect a bit of a mess. She'll be happy I'm finally giggling over clothes."
"A clean room is sure sign of guilt." Ginny added. "I'm going to fish the empty crisps bag out of the trash and lay the make-up back out on the bathroom vanity."
"Good idea. Top notch." Penny decided. "I'll just change the empties into bottled-water bottles. Sounds right to you? Ready? Right then, let's get to it."

+ + +

"Would you look at this house, Arthur!" Molly whispered in awe. "Look at what our boys have done!"
"It looks lovely." Arthur agreed, hastily kicking any empty bottle into the family room and under the sofa. "The boys must have really worked hard to get it looking so nice."
Molly nodded. "They're such good boys. Look at all the vases they've made and the flowers…" Her eyes narrowed. "It's a bit too clean, isn't it?"
Arthur gulped. "I'm sure that they worked very hard. Probably not a gnome left in the garden…nope, I just bet there isn't and I think they might have used my old collection of Muggle bottles for the vases, I'm just about sure of it…wow, Molly, we've got good kids…it's not every group of boys who'll spend the night working to surprise the old Mum and Dad…no, must be because you're such a good woman, yes sir." He steered his wife to bed, hoping she'd sleep in long enough for him to bring the boys back from the dead. 

Jiendo


End file.
